Chapter 3: Perceptions and experiences of the social pressures about what it means to be a man

This chapter explores how men in the focus groups described, perceived and experienced social pressures about acceptable and unacceptable ways of relating to others and behaving as a man. It also examines how men perceive shifts in these pressures over time.  

We look at the three key pressures that focus group participants raised in relation to being a man in contemporary Australia:  

• acting tough and avoiding expressions of emotional vulnerability
• conforming to the masculine provider role
• complying with heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality.

We examine each of these pressures separately to provide insight into the lived experiences described by focus group participants, while acknowledging that – like the Man Box rules – these pressures are interrelated, overlapping, mutually influencing and underpinned by similar social norms.  

3.1 Acting tough and avoiding expressions of emotional vulnerability

Men feel pressure to act tough

The Man Box 2024 shows that some men feel social pressure to act tough, and personally endorse the norms that enforce this pressure (see Box 7) (13). In the focus groups, participants primarily described acting tough in relation to neglecting concerns for their own safety while simultaneously being attentive to women’s safety, particularly in public spaces.

Some men said their attitudes towards safety differed when they were in the company of men compared to women in their peer groups.

Normally when I’m around my male friends, safety is not something I would consider that much of a priority. We’ll do things that are adventurous, and safety is not the first thing that you think about. But then you have female friends around, whether it’s on a night out or even going to sport or anything, safety is one of the first two or three things that we think about. 

University-educated; low Man Box endorsement  

Some participants discussed the need to challenge the pressure to act tough within their peer groups. One participant discussed the potential harms of masculine norms around acting tough, which encourage disregard for men’s safety. He described this lack of concern for men’s safety as a ‘stigma’ and identified a need to transform these attitudes.

Yeah … safety is something that we always take … always think about when we are around females. And when we are the guys, that’s not our topmost priority as well. But I feel if you have a close-knit group of even guy friends, that’s a stigma that needs to be [gotten] rid of as well. Like, if you have two mates of yours, the safety should be in there as well. 

University-educated; low Man Box endorsement

The idea that safety is a relevant consideration for women and not for men is consistent with rigid gender stereotyping of men as strong and tough, and women as weak and vulnerable (11, 48–50). These constructions of masculinity can lead to perceptions that men need to protect women, including from other men (50). As shown in The Man Box 2024 (13) and elsewhere (1, 51), such rigid gender stereotypes have harmful effects for both men and women and reinforce hierarchical power structures (1, 50, 51).  

Most of the focus group participants also acknowledged that their awareness of men’s use of violence, particularly in relation to sexual harassment and assault, was a key reason for their concerns about women’s safety in public spaces. For example, participants in the gay, bi+ and trans group discussed their concerns about the safety of their friends who were women, attributing these concerns to the behaviours of ‘straight men [they] don’t know’.

I definitely am a lot more hypervigilant when I’m out with girls that I know but I’m going to a place that’s predominantly straight people I don’t know, or straight men I don’t know … I think personally I’m less trying to watch or protect them, but I’m vigilant and mentally aware. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement

Similarly, cisgender heterosexual men across the focus groups described risks to women in terms of how groups of men commonly perpetrate street harassment.

Let’s say a beautiful woman walks past and one bloke calls out, if she hears it or not, usually you get other blokes backing him up. ‘Oh you’re right, might have a go at that’, et cetera. They join in … It’s just that group mentality. They’re untouchable. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement  

As the quote above demonstrates, some focus group participants were aware of particular forms of violence experienced by women and perpetrated by men in public spaces. These risks are reflected in literature showing that women are more likely than men to experience sexual harassment in public spaces, such as when using public transportation (52, 53). As such, while there is some truth to the participants’ views about the risks to women, these risks do not mean that men should disregard their own safety. Further, men’s role in preventing violence by other men should not be confined to them acting as a hero or protector for women. Active bystander behaviour by men to help interrupt violence or harassment can be important and laudable (54, 55), but must take place within broader gender-transformative efforts. Sometimes, such actions by men to intervene and ‘protect’ women are based on ideas about women’s inherent vulnerability or inability to protect themselves, or are used to demonstrate that bystander’s masculinity and toughness. Where this occurs in the absence of working towards broader normative change, such as challenging sexist jokes made by their friends or taking up an equal share of unpaid household labour, they can reinforce rather than disrupt the rigid gender norms that can act as a driver of men’s violence against women.

Men feel pressure to restrict their emotional rage

Another manifestation of the social pressure to act tough relates to men concealing ‘soft’ emotions such as sadness, anxiety or fear; for a discussion of soft emotions, see Reigeluth et al. (56). Most focus group participants said they feel that society expects them to avoid showing emotional vulnerability in different aspects of their lives. Emotional vulnerability encompasses several overlapping concepts:

1. the ability or willingness to admit feeling ‘softer’ emotions as opposed to ‘harder’ emotions such as anger (56, 57) or ‘positive’ emotions such as happiness or excitement  
2. the ability to make these ‘softer’ emotions visible, either through emotional displays or disclosures (57)
3. the degree to which men feel that they needed to restrict outward displays of these ‘softer’ emotions (58).  

Many focus group participants described that the social pressure to act tough has shifted over time, which we discuss in more detail below. At the same time, they felt that expressing emotional vulnerability remains socially unacceptable, especially in public. One participant described how sharing ‘feelings or emotions’ can demonstrate weakness. This was positioned in contrast to sharing positive emotions such as excitement or happiness, which participants felt are accepted for men because they show strength.

I feel like talking about your feelings or emotions gives a perception that you are weak, and you are not at the same level as the others around you. Sometimes you can feel very small and tiny as a result. It’s generally your positives like excitement and happy, and all of those positive emotions are fine, because they are all upbeat and signs of strength, and when you are showing vulnerability, that’s where people perceive it as weakness. 

University-educated; moderate Man Box endorsement

Further, some participants described expectations for men to be publicly stoic in the face of most personal hardships. This was reflected in the perception that men crying in public may be viewed negatively by others around them. Participants described limited reasons that might justify crying as socially acceptable, such as the death of a friend.

I feel like it’d have to be an extreme context and very public in order for [men crying in public] to come through as alright. Let’s say you had a major accident and one of your mates just passed away in public, people would understand. But there has to be a solid reason. A death. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

The quote above demonstrates how perceived social pressures can shape men’s behaviour. Similarly, The Man Box 2024 found that men were more likely to perceive pressure to be stoic than to personally agree with this pressure (13). Focus group participants also described the ways in which this perceived pressure continues to influence some men’s willingness to express softer emotions in public. This suggests that men’s reduced personal endorsement of norms around masculine stoicism is not yet sufficient to effect shifts in behaviour for all men. Men may continue to shy away from publicly displaying soft emotions even when they do not personally agree that this is the ‘right’ way of being a man. Prevention work focuses specifically on creating new expectations for how men should act and behave, not constrained by rigid gender stereotypes (1). 

Several participants mentioned their perceptions of the gendered differences related to the acceptability of expressing emotional vulnerability. They described situations in their personal and professional lives where women who express vulnerability receive support, while men who do so are judged or ignored.  

I’ve seen it maybe once or twice in my entire life, where a bloke’s just inconsolable in public, and nobody does anything to help. But then you see that in women and there’s always a dozen people, strangers, rushing, like if you saw a car accident. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

I’ve worked with a lot of female colleagues in the past … They’d get a slightly rude customer, and they’d hang up the call, break down in tears. You’d get management coming over, everyone consoles them. But one time I had a really bad day, and I just completely shut myself off from everyone. Nobody batted an eye, asked if I was alright. Management, HR, nothing. It’s just not very equal there. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

Although the participant in the second quote describes shutting himself off as opposed to being vulnerable, the overall message by most participants was that some men did not feel that they had permission to display vulnerable emotions because of the responses they observed from others around them. Another participant described these gendered differences as unequal, suggesting the need for more work to shift these divergent expectations of men and women.

If a female co-worker suddenly lost her job, her crying would be acceptable. But if a male lost his job and he started crying, the prejudice would be … you know why. And why is that not equal? And that’s where the biggest struggle is, at the moment. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

These quotes above denote the ways in which patriarchal norms construct men as invulnerable and limit their capacity to seek and receive help. The sense of discontent and the perception that public responses are unequal illustrate the harms to men that result from contemporary masculine gender norms.

Participants also described how they approached displaying emotional needs and vulnerability in their intimate partnerships with women. One participant talked about the tension between wanting to be genuinely emotionally connected with his partner, stepping away from masculine norms of stoicism and toughness, while also facing internalised pressure (i.e. rooted in his own personal beliefs rather than his partner’s) to be an ‘emotional rock’ in their relationship.

Yeah, I think to show … fortitude might not be the right word. Maturity, to show your emotional maturity as you go through the journey, and not just your reaction. And then you’re at a different stage, being vulnerable in that aspect … sometimes you also seem to want to be the emotional rock, too, for them [your female partner] because they may want somebody to be able to confide in. Or they … you know, I found that I need to be the reliable one for them to share and vent and go through all their particular stuff. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

This participant is describing his experience of showing vulnerability in relation to the way he engages with his intimate partner. He describes the idea of emotional maturity that is centred around his perception that men should provide stability for and protect their partner. This way of constructing men’s emotional connections with their intimate partners is reflected in other literature (10, 13, 59). The views of this participant, alongside the results we discuss throughout this chapter, bring into focus the need to create broader social acceptance for men to talk about their emotions with friends, peers and family, or if helpful, mental health providers or other professionals. Having multiple options for talking about emotions might mitigate the risk of men feeling as though they are burdening their partners or that they should provide support and disregard their own emotional needs.

The examples in this section demonstrate how inequitable gender norms create contexts where expressions of sadness, fear or anxiety are framed as weakness, and where men perceive that they are more likely to be shunned rather than supported for expressing these emotions. These dynamics reinforce pressures on men to restrict their emotional range or channel all feelings into anger (26, 58). This anger may weaken prosocial behaviours and reduce empathy and concern for others, reinforcing men’s use of violence against women (1). Further, the same social messages that restrict men’s ability to express vulnerability also reinforce sexist ideas that women are fundamentally ‘weak’, particularly in comparison to men (50). As such, stereotypes that position emotional vulnerability as feminised weakness not only create risk or perceived risk of negative judgement for men who publicly express these feelings, but also contribute to the risk of men expressing difficult feelings as anger and frustration – a common excuse for perpetrating many forms of violence against women (10). 

Men use alcohol to both facilitate and suppress emotional vulnerability  

Some participants described alcohol use as a way to suppress emotional vulnerability. For example, one participant described how it was commonplace for peers to encourage each other to repress and ‘forget’ their emotions by consuming alcohol.

With male-on-male friendships, the stoic-ness, that sort of stereotype, the kind of idea [is] that, you know, that the influence that a male friend has on another male friend is that they help them forget about their problems. Like, insofar as, ‘Oh, you’re going through a tough time, let’s go get drunk, or let’s go out and meet some girls’, whatever – is really antithetical to the idea of support. 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement

The quote above highlights the ways in which men may use alcohol consumption as a way to supress experiencing emotional vulnerability. This finding illustrates how the social pressure for men to be stoic can limit their ability to connect socially and offer genuine support to their friends. This in turn can contribute to unhealthy forms of emotional processing and coping (such as excessive alcohol use) within men’s peer groups. By extension, higher rates of risky alcohol consumption are also correlated to higher endorsement of Man Box rules as demonstrated in The Man Box 2024 (see Box 8). Thus, in addition to the limiting effects of alcohol consumption on men’s ability to genuinely support their peers, excessive alcohol consumption is also linked with rigid masculine norms and can also be a reinforcing factor for intimate partner violence among men who hold sexist attitudes (1, 60).

Other participants described interpersonal relationships in some male-dominated workplaces as characterised by excessive alcohol consumption and a lack of meaningful emotional connections. One participant contrasted this with his experience in workplaces with greater gender diversity.

I can think of [male-dominated] workplaces where, you know, it’s sort of absolutely toxic and where you have to basically drink [alcohol] very regularly and you have to, you know, sort of talking in bawdy ways. And, you know, sort of just getting on the talking footy and never talking emotions. And I’ve worked in other places where, you know, it’s really even male–female balance and just seems a lot more, yeah, even. So, yeah, I think the … yeah, there’s different environments. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

This quote indicates the potential to purposefully and proactively mitigate the adverse impacts of hypermasculine cultures through, among other strategies, creating more gender diverse and gender equal social and workplace environments (61).  

While alcohol was presented as a way to avoid sharing emotions, participants also talked about cultures of social drinking as a means for men to ‘open up’ to their friends (62). Drinking together with friends was described as creating an environment where men might feel a greater sense of social safety to act in less stereotypical ways, particularly regarding emotional vulnerability.

Ah, there’s lots of things about alcohol, but I mean, focusing on this issue of people talking and conversing, it could be a positive thing, because it gets people out of their comfort zone to open up after having a few drinks. Not to be intoxicated fully, I’m just saying a few drinks and then people open up more about their feelings or – you really try to – you start to understand the person a little bit more, ’cos they open up to you. 

University-educated; low Man Box endorsement

This focus group participant indicates that while there is recognition in his peer group of the benefits of sharing feelings, it can be challenging to start these conversations while sober. While the participant describes how alcohol can facilitate conversations, it is also important to note its negative impacts on men’s health and wellbeing, and the welfare of people around them (63), as discussed above.  

The potential for negative outcomes from alcohol use and the disinhibiting effects of alcohol are important to consider in the context of informal or peer-focused settings where men might be supported to discuss their emotions or seek help. However, describing ‘going for a drink’ as a way to be in a space where it feels possible to discuss challenging emotions with peers also suggests that men want spaces where they have social permission to seek informal support or be emotionally vulnerable. Men’s Sheds, for example, provide spaces not centred on alcohol consumption, where men can socialise and engage with each other in ways that facilitate supportive peer interactions (64). However, these are predominately oriented towards providing social spaces for older men. Different approaches are needed for younger men and cohorts of men with different interests to ensure access to emotionally supportive peer interactions, including in the context of online communities (65). 

Men perceive a shift in pressures to act tough, with vulnerability becoming increasingly acceptable

While social pressure to be stoic still has tangible impacts on men’s lives, focus group participants also described the ways in which ‘softer’ expressions of masculinity were, over time, becoming increasingly normalised in social, professional and household settings. This aligns with survey findings from The Man Box 2024 that show men’s perceptions of the pressure to not show emotional vulnerability have reduced slightly since 2018 (see Box 9) (13).

Participants in multiple focus groups discussed a sense of relief linked to their perceptions that stereotypical ideas about how men should act and behave are being disrupted. One participant observed how expectations had changed.

As a society it’s become more of an expectation that not everyone’s like that [stereotypical man]. That’s made it easier, it’s no longer a mould you have to fit in … It’s more accepted for men to be softer. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

The quote above shows the participant’s awareness of the shifts in masculine norms over time. However, some participants indicated that their knowledge of increased social acceptability for men to express softer emotions is not enough for men to feel entirely free to do so. One participant described his experience of wanting to defy stoic masculine stereotypes while simultaneously fearing judgement for crying. 

I’d like to say I don’t [relate to the strong man stereotype], but I feel like internally that’s not the truth. I don’t feel comfortable crying in front of anyone. I don’t see it as a thing of weakness from anyone else, but I don’t have the same acceptance of it [for myself] … There’s the fear of judgement. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

This quote illustrates how shifting beliefs and attitudes is a gradual and non-linear process. Importantly, these changes do not always translate directly to changes in behaviour (68, 69). Different men may require different approaches to change their beliefs and behaviours. They may also achieve these changes at different paces. Mutually reinforcing prevention efforts are required to achieve sustainable shifts (1) in expressions of masculinity, acknowledging that different individuals will have different pathways to change.  

Men talk about social media and podcasts focused on mental health as supporting shifts in the acceptance of emotional vulnerability

Focus group participants discussed social media and podcasts as mechanisms that have helped to shift social norms in recent years by increasing awareness of the need to improve men’s mental health. Most men in the low Man Box endorsement focus groups described how these forms of media provide avenues to see other men model vulnerability and asking for help, normalising and destigmatising these behaviours.  

What social media’s allowed us to do, a lot of people are sharing their personal thoughts and views. You see a lot of people coming out and saying how they feel, being open about it. It’s a chain reaction, it’s encouraged a lot [of] males in general to be like, I’m allowed to be myself and share my feelings. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

The introduction of podcasts a few years ago. Hearing other men’s stories about struggling and mental health, stuff like that. It enabled me to open up a lot more. You’re able to think, it’s not just me, there are other people out there with similar thoughts. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

These quotes illustrate the importance of role modelling healthier masculine norms and the potential positive impacts of media and social media in enabling shifts in masculinities and encouraging men to become active participants in prevention. Mental health is often used as a way to talk about increasing men’s willingness, capability and confidence to express greater emotional vulnerability. Discussions of men’s mental health commonly refer to the challenges men face with making social connections that foster emotional support. Decreasing social pressures to repress emotional vulnerability can therefore support improved mental health outcomes (70, 71).

This finding is important, particularly given the existence of misogyny; transphobia, homophobia and biphobia; and other harmful discourses found in male-dominated media, social media and other online spaces known as the ‘manosphere’ (footnote 1) (72, 73). Online communities outside of podcasts and social media may similarly hold potential as virtual spaces that can demonstrate and encourage healthier masculinities as a counterpoint to the ‘manosphere’ (although research is divided as to whether these offer equivalent opportunity for prosocial support as in-person spaces) (72). 

Men perceive some workplace cultures shifting away from pressures to be stoic  

Participants in the focus groups with male-dominated workplaces (mainly ‘tradies’) discussed how their workplaces are increasingly supportive of men expressing their emotions.  

Definitely, that change in mindset [is happening]. Even with the blokes that are on [the work]site, the groups that’re formed, the chats you overhear and take part in … they’re a lot more personal, they’re not the ‘manly chats’ you would expect. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

They described experiences in which managers had discussed mental health and modelled expressions of vulnerability.

One thing I was shocked by was with my boss. This happened last year. A few of the boys were going through some hard stuff, and he took the time to pull everyone apart separately and ask them how they were. That makes a big difference. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

Some participants also said that emphasis on mental health through workplace structures and programs enabled discussion of emotions and mental health among staff.

In construction, what’s happening these days is a lot of focus on mental health in men. Stuff like Mates in Construction, R U OK Day. There’s a shift, and a lot more open discussions on, it’s okay to not be okay. Asking the people you’re working with if they’re okay. Having an open channel of communication. 

Male-dominated trade; low Man Box endorsement

These findings highlight how industry-wide awareness campaigns and social change messages are well positioned to promote behaviours and interpersonal interactions between colleagues that are less aligned with stereotypical expressions of masculinity. Normalising support for wellbeing and seeking help for emotional distress or mental health concerns in a workplace can help to destigmatise these expressions of emotional vulnerability in other spaces.  

Other participants spoke of the gender distribution of the workforce as changing workplace cultures related to masculine stoicism. A participant shared that in his experience, gender diverse workplaces created environments that enabled him to challenge masculine stereotypes. His exposure to different types of workplaces encouraged reflection about, and questioning of, masculine stereotypes and how these played out in different contexts.

I feel like I reflect on these [masculine] stereotypes more depending on the environment I’m in. My current workplace is significantly more male-dominated, which has made me reflect more on the negative stereotypes. Where the previous workplace was a lot more diverse, and I thought it was a better environment for me to not fill some of those stereotypes. 

University-educated; moderate Man Box endorsement

This finding illustrates the important role of workplaces in creating environments where men can either be enabled or inhibited from challenging masculine stereotypes. The gender composition of the workforce is a significant consideration in the quote above. This is similar to how gender composition of the workforce came up when men spoke about alcohol consumption, as discussed in the previous section. This finding points to the importance of challenging the ways that particular industries and professions are gendered (and valued). Encouraging people of all genders to participate in more spaces, workplaces and roles can help to transform the gendered stereotypes that may dominate those spaces and create environments that challenge masculine stereotypes.

Men find it easier to show vulnerability when they become fathers

Focus group participants described fatherhood as having a profound effect on their ability to feel safe and express vulnerability. Fathers described how becoming a father made them acutely aware of the broader social acceptance of masculine vulnerability and discussed wanting to progress these advances through their parenting. Several participants expressed not wanting to replicate the parenting styles they had experienced as children, which they described as being built on expectations of masculine invulnerability, self-sufficiency and toughness.

I guess what we were told growing up, that we had to man up and just deal with it, I didn’t want to push that on my kids, because I know what it [has] done to me … So, if I can show them that it’s okay to have emotions, it’s okay to break down, it’s okay that, like, if they want to play with the girls’ toys or whatever, we don’t stop them from doing what they want to do. 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement

This finding reflects the importance of a life course approach to prevention, as we described in Chapter 1. In this context, embedding prevention across all stages of men’s lives is important, given how their parenting stems in part from their experiences as boys. Men’s willingness to reflect on their attitudes during fatherhood also attests to how this point in their lives is an opportunity to start the conversation about their attitudes and attachment to gender norms that enable violence against women and other forms of gender-based violence.

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3.2 Conforming to the masculine provider role

Men continue to feel pressure to be the financial provider at home  

The Man Box 2024 found that many men feel social pressure to create financial stability as the breadwinner in their relationships, and nearly a third of survey participants also personally believed that it is primarily a man’s responsibility to financially support their family (13) (see Box 10). In the focus groups, one participant shared his fear or anxiety about being judged as inadequate or not ‘a good man’ if he is unable to financially provide for his family.  

But stereotypically, if you say, ‘I’m a house-husband’, though, I don’t know how the other people will see it, right? So, although they may be taking care of all the housework, taking care of all the kids, taking care of all the whatever stuff that in the house, they will still think that, ‘Oh, you’re not the main person who [provides] … for the income for the family’, they may stereotype you. Are you a good man? Are you good enough to, you know, to support the whole family? 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

The quote above demonstrates the participant’s experience of the pressure to provide financially for his family. Similarly, a substantial number of survey participants in the Man Box 2024 study felt that society tells them they should not have to participate in house and caregiving work (see Box 10). Rigid adherence to the idea that men should provide financial stability and manage finances, while women should do the bulk of unpaid household labour, can contribute to inequitable or controlling partnerships (10). Control over finances can enable financial or economic abuse, a mechanism of control linked to other forms of intimate partner violence (74). Broader acceptance of these normative gendered roles across communities can make it difficult for women to seek help and for friends, families and service providers (including financial institutions) to identify financial abuse (75). One focus group participant described seeing financial control play out within his social networks.

I’ve seen other husbands kind of say, ‘Oh, no, you can’t buy that, or you can’t do this’. And so, they use that financial power for their own entitlement. 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement

The quote above illustrates how some participants saw that men insisting on having financial power in a relationship could be a warning sign of entitlement or coercive control. In general, participants did not discuss anything inherently positive about men being the main breadwinner. Instead, the importance of being the primary income earner in a household was described almost entirely in terms of staving off judgement from others about being inadequate (as the first quote above demonstrates). This is reflected in the findings reported in The Man Box 2024, which showed that while around 1 in 3 survey participants believed that men should be the primary income earner, a larger number felt social pressure to take on this role (see Box 10). The two quotes above illustrate this social pressure and the idea that even where men do not personally agree with particular norms, they may behave in ways that are consistent with these norms in order to avoid judgement from others. This judgement, and conversely the acceptance men may receive for adhering to particular norms, represents part of the system of rewards and punishments that underlies masculine and other social norms (76).

Men describe conflicting pressures as they engage in active parenting  

Some participants described that, while moving beyond stereotypical masculine norms to embrace active caregiving roles is hugely rewarding, the effort required to work against social expectations in order to do so can be taxing. This includes managing and navigating the discomfort of family members who disapprove of men taking up greater caring responsibilities for children.  

In [the country where I was raised], there are … activities which are very related to a specific gender. So, for example, babysitting … [is] just not a male thing. And so, you know, I’m kind of torn between these two images … When you meet people or family visiting from overseas, they’re like, you know, there’s a bit of a tension for them to see you do things which they’ve never done. So, it’s a massive burden on me. And you know, for them … I will do laundry for my kid; I will go pick him up … I enjoy doing it, you know? He’s my first child and it’s a joy beyond limit. 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement

This quote highlights the distinct sets of social expectations men experience in different contexts, shaping how they parent and engage in household labour. It demonstrates the importance of an intersectional approach to prevention work that considers the different ways in which men experience masculine norms subject to other parts of their identities (28, 77).  

Other participants described similar experiences of navigating conflicting social pressures related to stereotypical masculine norms and the everyday activities of parenting.

I guess it depends on the situation that you’re in. Like, if your own environment requires you to be strong and assertive and confident, you know, be that. But then there are other environments, you know, if I’m having to participate in a dancing concert for my 5-year-old daughter, then it’s … you’ve gotta take humble pie at the same time. You know? 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement

Several fathers discussed the ways that the gender stereotypes in parenting could result in men being praised for doing care work that might go unnoticed or deemed unremarkable when a mother performs it. Some fathers described how this construction of active parenting as a secondary role for men often sat uncomfortably for them.

Doing anything with your kids seems to get … applause … get recognition if you take on that, you know, the role of … ‘I’ve got daddy daycare; you’re babysitting’. It’s like, ‘No, I’m just being a dad’ … A babysitter’s a babysitter. Like, this isn’t a babysitter’s club, this is dad’s action. 

Fathers; low Man Box endorsement    

This frustration with persistent gender stereotypes that position men as inadequate carers reflects considerable progress over recent decades in shifting how parenting responsibilities are thought of in Australia. Focus group participants’ desire to break these traditional gendered social expectations may reflect the downstream impacts of significant progress in policy and practice, such as more equitable parental leave policies (78) and programs that focus on supporting men as fathers (79). It also may reflect changes in how media and popular culture portray fathers. One focus group with fathers spoke enthusiastically about the character of Bandit, the father in a family of cartoon dogs in the children’s series Bluey. Bandit’s active parenting and willingness to engage in imaginative play with his daughters has been much lauded for disrupting common television stereotypes of incompetent dads (80). There are therefore possible benefits to prevention work when men are encouraged to take a more active caregiver role as fathers and challenge the traditional masculine norm of breadwinner.

Men feel that some pressures related to gendered household roles have changed over time

Despite still feeling external social pressure to act as the primary financial provider, men in the focus groups described having equitable gendered dynamics in their own households, compared to what they witnessed in their parents’ or grandparents’ generations.  

Most participants who were in heterosexual intimate relationships said they lived in dual-earner households and shared the household labour, highlighting the material and economic conditions that, at times, necessitated dual-income households.  

I think it used to be [that] one income can support [a] family. In today’s world, I don’t think under any economics, in the last 20 years, one person working is able to support the whole family. They’re so expensive for everything, so I think that, you know, [it has] become a trend that both parents have to work. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

Several participants said they actively worked to ensure that there was a more equal division of household labour within their intimate relationships, compared to previous generations.  

Back in the day … one parent could work and then the other parent could stay at home, whereas today both parents have to work. But it’s better now that it’s more shared. The load is shared fifty-fifty, more so. I think it’s definitely helped for the better. Yeah, it’s not, ‘Oh, I worked eight hours and come home and the tea’s cooked for me’. It’s both chip in, and we both do the house cleaning. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

However, the idea that both partners in a heterosexual relationship might need to work to meet the financial needs of their household does not necessarily mean that there is no pressure for a man to feel they should be, and be perceived as, the main income earner. Nor does it equate to an equal share of household labour. The Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) Survey shows that around 8 in 10 Victorian men believe that both partners should share equally in the housework and care of children if they are both in paid employment, compared to 9 in 10 women (81). However, this belief has not yet translated into everyday life for many Australian households. HILDA labour data shows that while men work more hours in paid employment than women, women work significantly more hours per week combined across paid employment and unpaid housework and care for children (81).

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3.3 Complying with heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality

Men described ‘feminine’ attributes and behaviours that reflect a binary view of gender

Participants discussed their awareness of the set of (often unspoken) rules about behaviours or attributes thought of as feminine (or ‘feminine-coded’) that might cast doubt on someone’s manliness. They spoke about how everything from regular use of sunscreen or moisturiser, to getting your nails done, to the breed of dog you own can be framed as stepping outside of normative ideas of masculinity.

He tells me stories about going up to the bush when he was my age and all this [manly] stuff, but now he gets his nails done. You sort of see that and you’re like, ‘Oh, okay’. Nothing wrong with that but you just wouldn’t pick it, that sort of thing. 

Male-dominated trade; moderate Man Box endorsement

The guy I work with, I guess the most feminine thing is he’s got a sausage dog, a dachshund … But if you saw him, you wouldn’t really pick it to be his dog. 

Male-dominated trade; moderate Man Box endorsement

Similarly, men described their relative comfort in participating in and enjoying leisure activities that they felt might be seen as undermining their masculinity, such as knitting, theatre, cooking or dancing.

I love cooking. I’ve never heard another guy around my workplace say that, but I always bring in the best home-cooked lunches. 

University-educated; moderate Man Box endorsement

Focus group participants were aware of questions or judgement about participation in activities not perceived as manly. Some expressed a need to control how others perceived them in terms of their manliness and adherence to masculine norms.

I would be selective of who I tell [about non-stereotypical hobbies] … to avoid that judgement … Information is power, and you control your narrative, or the way people view you. 

University-educated; moderate Man Box endorsement

These statements reflect the concept of ‘precarious manhood’ – the idea that manhood is something that must be earned and proven, and can be lost. Men must remain ‘vigilant’ by reaffirming their masculine status and modifying their behaviour around peers to avoid losing that status (10, 82). Fear of losing masculine status is also linked in the literature to homophobia (82). Men’s pursuit of feminine-coded activities might lead to the perception that they were gay, and in doing so could compromise their masculine status (82). This reflects the idea of compulsory heterosexuality, which is the belief that heterosexuality is the assumed default, is part of being a ‘real man’, and is something society enforces (24).  

Participants in the gay, bi+ and trans focus group discussed similar ideas more explicitly, for example, joking that a man who cares for his skin must be gay.

I have a straight best friend who was obsessed with moisturiser and sunscreen. And I am just like, ‘Admit it and come out’. And he is genuinely straight, and it’s like, ‘Good for you, I guess. You are glowing and we love that’. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement 

These narratives illustrate gender stereotypes, and the ways heteronormativity can police men’s behaviours, hobbies and day-to-day lives. Compulsory heteronormativity is shaped and reinforced by homophobia and transphobia, where trans and gay men are seen as not conforming to rigid ideas of what makes a ‘real man’ (1). This was evident in focus group discussions, particularly in the experiences of men in the gay, bi+ and trans group. Within their family and social networks, men in this group described being perceived as less masculine when they ‘came out’. One participant shared how his family had interpreted him disclosing his sexual orientation as a ‘funeral for [his] masculinity’.

I came out to my family, and my grandparents went, ‘We can’t go to the footy anymore and we can’t go fishing’. And I was like, ‘It doesn’t change anything that I’m gay’. It was almost like there was a funeral for my masculinity … He’s not a man anymore and we can’t go fishing or the footy. And it’s like … I can still do those things. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement

The participant’s experiences described in the quote above illustrate the Man Box rule that ‘a gay guy is not a “real man”’, a belief held by many of the survey participants (13) (see Box 11). These kinds of beliefs illustrate how assumptions that conflate manhood and heterosexuality can cause harm and exclude gay men from activities or social settings coded as stereotypically masculine (6). Heteronormativity and cisnormativity are part of the perceived pressures men experience to comply with the norm of compulsory heterosexuality; these pressures can generate fears or worries among men about being perceived as gay if they do not comply with rigid masculine norms (6, 83). Such fear may also be related to internalised homophobia or biphobia (84), and awareness of the discriminatory and even violent consequences of being made a target of homophobia (84, 85).  

Some participants in the gay, bi+ and trans group also reflected on the harms of compulsory heterosexuality for heterosexual-identifying men. They shared that some men’s desire to conform to these norms meant that they avoided behaviours thought of as ‘gay’ and restricted their own choices as a result (similar to how they limited their expressions of feminine-coded activities and hobbies).

I had a picture of me wearing a Speedo or something and [my friend] said, ‘It’s so good that when you are gay you can wear Speedos, because they look really good’ and I told him, ‘Anyone can wear Speedos’. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement  

In contrast, most men in the gay, bi+ and trans focus group did not express this fear of being perceived as defying the norm of compulsory heterosexuality, particularly for those who were openly out. These participants spoke of how their identity shaped their behaviours among their peers by allowing them to step away from traditional expectations of how men should behave.  

Participant 1: You spend so long worrying, and then you come out of the closet and, in my experience – and this isn’t everyone else’s experience – it was like, ‘That was completely fine, and I’m alive, and that was easy’ … It kind of just changes your brain into thinking it doesn’t really matter what people think and you don’t have to worry about it, so you can be a lot more honest and a lot more open about your emotions.

Participant 2: When I came out, I knew that I wasn’t the stereotypical man anymore, and I kind of just assumed that role, and the rest is history. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement

This exchange suggests that in the process of accepting their sexuality, some men find increased confidence to move away from stereotypical masculine norms and embrace different ways of being. They may experience this move as beneficial and even liberating. Findings in The Man Box 2024 support this, showing that men who least endorsed the Man Box rules were less likely than men who most endorsed them to have frequent symptoms of poor mental health (13). However, the likely mental health benefits of rejecting rigid gender norms may be compromised for men who belong to sexual or gender minorities. This is due to the discrimination these men may face because of gendered social pressures. LGBTIQA+ people have poorer access to safe services and experience homophobia, biphobia and transphobia, including violence and harassment as a result of structural discrimination, all of which contribute to poorer mental health outcomes among these communities (20, 86).

Men perceive behaviours falling outside masculine norms as acceptable – within limits

Some participants described a tacit threshold that separates acceptable and unacceptable grooming and presentation for men. They perceived pressures to stay within certain limits of heterosexual-coded masculine behaviour but explained that it was also possible to ‘push the limit’ of that acceptability. For example, they observed peers distancing themselves from the fact they may have broken with heterosexual norms by attributing those behaviours to being intoxicated or claiming that they were ‘joking around’.

I think people are just becoming more accepting of identifying with gay iconography. I don’t think dancing with your hips is getting less gay, it’s just getting more okay … But it’s still mostly in jest [when straight men do it] and then there’s the saying that a lot of truth is said in jest … All the straight guys I know still wouldn’t do those things if they were sober. They would do it if they were drunk but it’s still like, ‘ha ha ha’. 

Gay, bi+ and trans; low Man Box endorsement

This quote suggests that there is a spectrum of non-stereotypical, feminine-coded behaviours that may be permitted for men, albeit in contexts where they use humour and alcohol as excuses. Men’s use of excuses illustrates that the underlying social norms that shape, reinforce and reward particular expressions of masculinity are still active, though shifts in these norms have continued to occur over time.

Participants in several focus groups discussed the ways that men witness, assess and police each other’s adherence to stereotypical masculine norms, particularly in peer relationships. One participant described how grooming habits reflecting cleanliness were acceptable to him, but anything categorised as feminine caused him discomfort.

I’ve got another friend that just loves doing his eyebrows and his feet just to stay clean. But if they’re doing coloured nails and stuff like that, yeah, you’re pushing the limit now. 

Male-dominated trade; moderate Man Box endorsement

These discussions of perceived limits to how far men can stray from the rules of masculinity again reflect the notion that manhood is precarious and must be constantly proven (82). The risk of losing masculine status influences how men behave with peers (10) and underpins the policing of masculinity through actions that seek to penalise ‘insufficiently masculine’ behaviour (87 p 78).

Research has also found that men who view manhood as precarious (82) use sexist or homophobic humour to reaffirm their masculinity, especially when they feel their masculinity has been threatened (88). These jokes targeting women and gay men are a way to distance themselves from femininity, which is constructed as the direct opposite of masculinity (88). In these ways, homophobia and sexism – both expressions of stereotypical masculinity – are partly driven by cisgender heterosexual men’s inability to challenge social pressure around acceptable ways to enact masculinities. Men who transgress masculine norms by virtue of belonging to a sexual minority may therefore be discriminated against in some ways that are similar to the sexism faced by women (88).

Men talk about fatherhood as an avenue for enforcing, or challenging, compulsory heterosexuality

Several fathers in the group with moderate Man Box endorsement – all cisgender heterosexual men – described hoping that their own children are not gay or gender diverse, while also expressing that they would like to be supportive if they did have a child come out to them. The internal conflict that these men described surfaced through discussion of their role as fathers, in which they recognised that supporting their children’s whole self is a core parental responsibility. At the same time, these men also described the ways that their own alignment with compulsory heteronormative pressures might limit their children’s self-expression.

So, for me, I don’t mind seeing that [two men kissing], but I don’t want my kids to be the same, honestly. So, that’s my view. So, but I don’t know how to explain it to [my children], it’s their choice. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

I don’t want to necessarily overly influence my kids’ feelings towards that [LGBTIQA+ relationships], to make them be curious and want to try that, from my own personal upbringing. But if my kids feel, safely and everything else, that they are homosexual and they want to go through that, then yeah. If that’s the person you love and that you’re with and you want to show that affection, then by all means … But as they’re growing up, what influence is going to give them on what they should do? I don’t want to … ‘You must be heterosexual’ … I don’t want to be giving them that drill. But you don’t want to be going too far the other way, right? 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

The attitudes fathers expressed in these quotes may signal to their children that being gay is negative. Literature demonstrates the ways parents may view a gay child as a reflection of failed parenting because the child does not live up to patriarchal norms (89, 90). The characterisation of being gay as a ‘choice’, and that it is possible for parents to render their child gay or queer by being ‘too supportive’, points to a fundamental misunderstanding of why people may be same-gender attracted. This difficulty in moving past the binary of heterosexuality as ‘normal’ and anything else as ‘abnormal’ is an expression of resistance to shifting societal norms around sexuality (91). The views these participants shared may also reflect parents’ fears of their children experiencing homophobic discrimination, and potentially their own shame and feared judgement because their child is gay. This highlights the importance of dismantling homophobic norms at the societal level (89).  

Worrying about a child’s wellbeing is normal, including a parent recognising that they may need to support their child to navigate prejudice. However, signalling that it is preferable to be heterosexual and cisgender, or that sexuality or gender identity are choices, causes harm (92). Positive and affirming ‘coming out’ experiences, particularly to adult caregivers, are strongly correlated with young people’s improved mental health and wellbeing, and the inverse is also true (90) (footnote 2). These findings suggest there is a need for resources and support to help fathers – and all parents – understand how to help their children feel safe disclosing their sexuality or affirming their gender (93).

Men feel some heteronormative pressures have changed over time  

Despite continued awareness of pressures to perform masculinity, participants across all focus groups described some level of reduced pressure to adhere to compulsory heterosexuality. The changing aesthetics or hobbies that are considered acceptable within dominant forms of masculinity may signify cultural shifts over time (such as shifts in fashion trends) but this does not necessarily mean masculinities are becoming more equitable (94). However, some focus group participants took pride in breaking the mould and portraying a more expansive expression of masculinity, aligned with the shifting norms of contemporary society.  

I want to own it and be unique. I don’t want to hide behind those norms. And I would be willing to share it, and if people think of me oddly, I think they are the ones that need to get on with the 21st century. 

University-educated; moderate Man Box endorsement

These sentiments aligned with what participants described as shifts in society, such as increased visibility and positive portrayals of LGBTIQA+ people, communities, families and relationships, including in the media. Some participants saw this shift towards inclusive representation as driving down the acceptability of homophobia, particularly among younger men.

I think modern television is becoming so progressive with the way that they portray it because, I think, society is becoming so progressive … And I think you see on TV, same-sex couples [inaudible] portrayed in Disney movies now. 

Fathers; moderate Man Box endorsement

It would feel so out of the normal for someone to make a [homophobic] comment like that. Because it’s not chill, it’s not really welcome here … It would be quite strange for my [younger] generation. 

University-educated; low Man Box endorsement

These gains have been hard won over many years of activism and advocacy led by LGBTIQA+ communities (95). However, despite advances, there are still troublingly high levels of homophobia and transphobia across society (20, 96), as also shown in survey findings from The Man Box 2024 (13). While we did not investigate transphobic attitudes in the focus groups, the survey findings show that transphobia is one of the most commonly held Man Box beliefs, indicating that this issue requires much more work (see Box 12) (13).

Overall, the findings in this chapter demonstrate the multiple circumstances in which men show that they value their relationships and seek to be good friends, colleagues, partners and parents, and how this shapes their enactment of masculinities within their peer groups, families and households. Yet men do not always feel able to challenge the pressures they experience around different masculine norms. The pressures we looked at in this chapter include the pressures to act tough and be the provider, and the pressures related to heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality. Men experience these pressures differently, and what this chapter highlights is the importance of seeing men’s attitudes and behaviours related to masculinities as relational and contextual, rather than individual and static. Workplaces, households and families are all contexts in which there are opportunities to build on societal shifts to continue to expand the range of behaviours that are perceived as acceptable for men.

Footnotes