When it comes to being a man, there’s a lot of mixed messages about the right and wrong way to be.
Men can be told to act tough and not ask for help, be dominant. Don’t be too emotional, always be in control.
These pressures can come from everywhere – online, from family, friends and loved ones, the things we watch and listen to.
There are a lot of ‘rules’ about what being a man means. There’s nothing wrong with typical masculine characteristics like strength and independence. But when men are told there is only one way to be a man, that can be harmful.
The pressures and expectations to always act tough and to hide emotions can leave some men feeling alone and depressed. It may even lead them hurting themselves and others. Men who most strongly agree with these harmful pressures are more likely to report:
- having perpetrated violence
- holding beliefs or attitudes that support violence
- experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide.
But most men don’t agree with violence and don’t agree with the harmful expectations placed on them. In fact more men than ever before want to know what they can do to prevent violence, but they aren’t sure how.
So what can you do?
One thing you can do is question the ‘rules’.
When you show other men the only way to be a man is to be this ‘tough guy,’ without meaning to you signal that it’s okay for them to be dominant, aggressive, controlling – or even violent. And that’s the problem. Playing by the ‘rules’ can hurt yourself and people around you.
What would happen if you no longer felt the pressure to be tough and always in control, and asked yourself what kind of man you want to be? What would that mean for your partner, your family, and your community? What would it mean for you?
What kind of man do you want to be for yourself?
We all want to feel valued and respected for who we really are. Which is why the pressure to act in a way that doesn’t feel right for you can leave you feeling isolated or depressed. Like you’re not allowed to be who you are inside, or even talk about how it makes you feel.
What if men supported each other to:
- have friendships where they can really share what they’re going through, and ask each other for help when they need it
- scroll past the content that tells them to “man up”, and instead chose videos, podcasts and online communities that celebrate all the different ways there are to be a man
- take accountability when their words or actions are questioned and commit to being part of a positive change.
What kind of man do you want to be for your partner?
You want your relationship with your partner to be equal and supportive. But at the same time, you might feel pressure to be the breadwinner or appear unemotional in difficult situations. These pressures can stop you and your partner from truly connecting or building a relationship where you both feel loved and supported.
What if men supported each other to:
- feel comfortable sharing their sadness, fear or uncertainties – with their partner, but also with other loved ones or a healthcare professional
- realise that their value in a relationship is more than the money they earn
- understand how being an equal partner at home is as important as financially contributing.
What kind of man do you want to be for your family?
For many of us, family means everything. But you’ve probably been told or shown over and over that women are the ones who are meant to take care of children and other family members, while men just ‘babysit.’ You may have been raised with the idea that men are unemotional or distant – disciplinarians, not caregivers. These pressures might be stopping you from having the relationship with your family you really want.
What if men supported each other to:
- embrace all the mess, work and joy of being a dad
- find ways to raise children that break cycles of negative pressures
- connect with other dads to support each other to be the caring and engaged parents they want to be
- take the lead to care for an elderly parent or other family member.
What kind of man do you want to be for your community?
We all belong to multiple communities – including our friend groups, workplaces, sports clubs, faith and cultural places, and even online. The people we surround ourselves with and places we spend our time send all of us messages about what it means to be a man. They can sometimes reinforce the pressure on men to be aggressive, unemotional and controlling, making them spaces where you and others don’t feel comfortable.
What if men supported each other to:
- speak up when someone said or did something disrespectful towards women, and supported others who did the same
- balance work and caring responsibilities
- talk to other men about their relationships, and helped each other understand what’s healthy and what’s not
- listen to women – in their own lives, and in the broader community – about the issues they’re worried about, and pressures they face too.
Support for men
- No to Violence is the peak body for organisations and individuals working with men to end family violence. No to Violence operates the Men's Referral Service (MRS) which provides telephone counselling, information and referrals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all year round. Call 1300 766 491.
- MensLine Australia is a telephone and online counselling service for men with family and relationship concerns. The service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, please call 1300 789 978.
Support if you are experiencing violence
If you are experiencing violence, concerned for your safety, or in an emergency situation please call 000 for urgent police assistance.
If you need support or advice, please reach out to a recommended specialist support service.