Around 1 in 4 Australians aged 16 and older experienced sexual abuse as a child. Knowing the steps you can take to keep children and young people safe is vital for parents, family members, teachers, coaches and anyone working with children. Doing so now also prepares them to understand respectful relationships through adolescence and into adulthood.
One part of keeping children safe from sexual abuse is teaching them about body autonomy, boundaries and consent. Talking about this with children helps them recognise inappropriate behaviour from adults, teens and other children, and to understand that it’s never a way they should be treated. Children cannot consent to sexual activity.
Teaching consent and boundaries from a young age also gives them a foundation for respectful and appropriate relationships as they grow into adults. This violence is driven by harmful ideas about gender that we can start hearing in childhood – like girls who speak up about the things they don’t like are “nagging” or “unladylike”, or that "boys will be boys” when they ignore their personal safety and the safety of others. Valuing boundaries and teaching autonomy from childhood will help equip them into adulthood.
When are kids old enough to understand consent?
Chanel Contos, founder of Teach Us Consent, writes in her book Consent Laid Bare that by the time she and her peers were taught about sexual consent (Year 10, when they were “old enough” for the topic) it was already too late. She notes that this doesn’t just let down the people who have been sexually assaulted, but also those who may have unknowingly used sexual violence.
She writes, “My first thought was: ‘If I had known what consent was, I could have reported him and stopped him from doing the same thing to her’. Now I think: ‘If he had known what consent was, maybe he would never have done it to me, or anyone else’.”
When we only talk about consent and bodily autonomy in the context of sex – or avoiding being assaulted – we do all our children (and the adults they grow into) a disservice.
Understanding consent isn't just about sex. And it’s not just about “knowing you can say no”. It’s about having empathy and checking feelings of entitlement (which can stem from those harmful expectations of gender roles). As Contos writes, “Sexual assault occurs when entitlement outweighs empathy. The entitlement to another’s body only needs to outweigh someone’s empathy towards that person – only a little bit.”
Understanding consent is also about managing rejection. Rejection hurts but if we teach children that it doesn’t define our value as a human being, they can learn to cope without feeling the need to retaliate out of hurt.
All kids are old enough to learn empathy, boundaries, and managing their emotions.
Children who understand consent become adults who understand consent
Recognising their own right to body autonomy and knowing how to respect other people’s boundaries not only supports them to have healthy relationships as an adult; it also prepares children to grow into young adults who have more confidence navigating other common peer pressure situations, like drug and alcohol misuse, and other risky behaviour.
We all deserve to have safe and respectful relationships and encounters. Not to mention, affirmative sexual consent is law in Victoria; so we owe it to our kids – to everyone in our communities – to really understand what consent means.
How do you teach kids age-appropriate consent?
Most kids are already learning the foundations of consent. Age-appropriate consent education begins with boundary setting and empathy for others.
When we teach kids not to snatch something a friend or sibling is using – that’s teaching consent.
When we teach kids the proper names for body parts; how to recognise unsafe situations; that they can say “no” to someone doing something they don’t like – that's teaching consent.
You can coach consensual interactions when playing with siblings or friends:
- “It looks like Remi isn’t enjoying wrestling together anymore. Do you see how his face is sad? The wrestling has turned too rough. Ask Remi how he wants to keep playing. And Remi – if you don’t want to play, you can always say that, or move your body away.”
- “You’re feeling angry that Kathleen doesn’t want to play on the monkey bars. It’s tricky when our friends don’t want to play the same way as us, isn’t it? We can invite our friends to play, but we can’t make them do something they don’t want to do. And when they say no, it’s not fair to try and change their mind.”
You can model boundaries and empathy with other grownups:
- “I’ve given Nonno a hug goodbye! For your turn, would you like to hug, high five, or wave?”
- “Uh oh, Aunty Zara! Did you hear Ali say stop tickling? It’s only a silly game if you’re both having fun.”
And you can respectfully explain the rare exceptions, i.e. ‘my body belongs to me, but when it comes to health, hygiene or safety, my adults need to help me make decisions for my body:’
- “I know you don’t want to get in the car seat, but it’s the only safe way we can drive in the car. It’s my job to keep you safe. You can choose to climb in the seat yourself, or I can pick you up...”
- “Remember the doctor said this medicine would help your itchy skin? It might taste a bit funny, but it’s important to let our bodies get better. When I have medicine I don’t like, I have something yummy afterwards to take away the taste. Would you like strawberries or yoghurt?”
Books and songs to teach children about consent
Regularly reading stories and singing songs about consent, body rules and body autonomy helps to familiarise and normalise the ideas for kids – without having to make a “big deal” out of a conversation.
Books and songs parents and teachers have found useful include:
- Teeny Tiny Stevies: Boss Of My Own Body – Byll Stephen & Beth Stephen
- From My Head to My Toes I Say What Goes – Charlotte Barkla
- Yes! No! A first conversation about consent – Megan Madison & Jessica Ralli
- Can I Give You a Squish? – Emily Neilson
- C is for Consent – Eleanor Morrison
- Don’t Touch My Hair – Sharee Miller
Resources for adults to keep learning about consent and consent education
- Consent Can’t Wait – an Australian Government initiative
- National Office for Child Safety (including how to respond to a child’s disclosure of sexual abuse)
- Body Safety Australia
- Raising Children Network: Consent and sexual consent
- eSafety Commissioner parent resources
- Consent Labs
- Teach Us Consent, and founder Chanel Contos’ book Consent Laid Bare.
- Safe4Kids YouTube channel
- Safe Secure Kids
Learning about consent as an adult can be confronting
Looking back at your own experiences with new consent knowledge can be confronting for many adults – for people who have experienced sexual assault as well as those who recognise that at the time they didn’t have proper consent.
Specialist support is available, even for things that happened a long time ago.